Rohith Sharma the sledge master.
Cricket Jokes
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02-05-2015, 03:29 PM
ICC looking to bring back run-a-ball hundreds
Alex Bowden 1980s-style hair will also be encouraged to give viewers a warm, fuzzy, nostalgic feeling ESPNcricinfo understands that the ICC has grown concerned by inflated rates of scoring and is considering taking action. A source has told us that several senior executives are struggling to come to terms with what modern batsmen are capable of and have therefore been reduced to committing the gravest cricket sin of all, namely asking those seated nearby, "Who's winning?" A combination of modern bats, smaller playing areas, fielding restrictions and the influence of T20 has meant that it is not uncommon for sides to score at 10 an over for extended periods. Our source - a senior figure in the ICC, who unfortunately cannot be named because we missed his name at the start of the phone call and then felt too embarrassed to ask later on - told us that these incredibly quick scoring rates mean he now struggles to follow 50-over matches. "Time was you knew where you were with a run chase. Four an over was pretty much standard, five an over was challenging, and then you waited for that moment when the required rate tipped above six. At that point, the commentators would say: 'They need more than a run a ball now,' and you'd know that the fielding side had basically won." He believes that when sides are capable of scoring at eight, nine or 10 an over, it makes it impossible to tell what's going on. "Look, I love fours and sixes as much as the next person. We've done a lot of research in the form of asking people whether they'd like to see more boundaries, and almost everyone says that they would. It's just that the maths becomes trickier the bigger the numbers get." It is for this reason that a plan has been mooted to reduce the value of a run. "We don't want to see fewer sixes - that would be terrible. But what if a six were worth just three runs? Assuming we halved the value of all other run-scoring so that the relative value of 'maximums' remained the same, we could return to a situation where scoring at a run a ball was again a noteworthy achievement. Wouldn't that be great?" Whether or not the ICC will act upon these proposals is currently unclear, but the advantages are obvious. In recent years it has become harder and harder for TV, print media and websites to gauge which innings are worthy of comment. A return to a situation where run-a-ball hundreds are somehow noteworthy would make life infinitely more straightforward. The players too would stand to benefit. Batsmen would still be able to hit sixes with abandon, but being as the bowler would only concede three runs on each occasion, economy rates would not be quite so severely dented. It seems a win-win situation. However, our source highlighted one possible stumbling block. "The only downside would be half-runs. Twos, fours and sixes are fine, but under this scoring system, singles would become halves. We can't have batsmen being dismissed for three-and-a-half - that would be mental. Some say that we should do away with singles altogether, but my view is that we simply round up or down when the batsman is dismissed." The idea will be discussed at the next meeting of the ICC's Cricket Committee along with a whole bunch of other moronic ideas. http://www.espncricinfo.com/blogs/content/story/826397.html 02-06-2015, 05:46 PM
Amir only allowed to bowl offspin
James Marsh Following criticism of Mohammad Amir's early return to cricket after his spot-fixing ban, the ICC today announced the left-arm quick would only be allowed to bowl right-arm offspin in a long-sleeved top so "no one can ever forget he's a bit shifty". There had been fears letting Amir back ahead of schedule sent a message his past behaviour was completely forgiven, but this latest sanction, the ICC believes, will ensure the Pakistani youngster will continue to be widely stigmatised because, in the words of one Dubai official, "everyone knows what these offspinners get up to". Speaking outside the Indian Supreme Court, Head of the ICC Ethics Enforcement Unit, N Srinivasan, explained the idea: ''A lot of people were a bit miffed at us letting Amir come back early, so we decided to add an extra punishment to guarantee no one will ever, ever consider him above suspicion. We couldn't think of anything more likely to ruin his reputation in the current climate than forcing him to play as an offspinner. "Well, we were toying with the idea of making him India's overseas bowling coach, but in the end we decided even a convicted felon didn't deserve that." The deputy head of the ICC Ethics Enforcement Unit, N Srinivasan, claimed that this was in no way another clever ruse from the Big Three to prevent other countries from having any decent bowlers whatsoever: ''We haven't insisted Wayne Parnell becomes an offspinner, have we?'' he argued convincingly. Amir himself was understandably upset about the plan, taking to social media to suggest the shame of being imprisoned for spot-fixing was nothing compared to the disgrace of having to bowl offspin in 2015. After listing his profile location as "a small village", the fallen idol sent out a number of distraught tweets claiming he "couldn't stand all the whispering and finger-pointing'' to which he'd be subjected if he was forced to send down the same category of delivery as Mohammad Hafeez and Saeed Ajmal. Later he wrote: "It's one thing to be hated for deliberately conceding a no-ball and shattering the dreams of millions of cricket fans across the world. It's quite another to suffer the humiliation of having a portly man in an ill-fitting umpire's uniform declare your arm is a bit too bendy." New to Twitter, Amir eventually realised the message wouldn't be published because he had overstepped the character limit, so he posted it on Facebook instead. Although the plan was welcomed by the paceman's critics, it was condemned by charities working to rehabilitate recovering offspinners. Ann Ghells, head of the support group Give Hate the Elbow, expressed concern this latest enforced stigmatisation of Amir would only breed even greater prejudice: "We have worked tirelessly to straighten out those considered on the edge of acceptable cricketing society, such as Sunil Narine and Sachithra Senanayake," she said. "By turning Amir from a left-arm quick into an offspinner, we strongly suspect the ICC is only asking the poor lad to completely remodel his action in order to then call him for chucking and require him to again completely remodel his action. Nobody should be subjected to this sort of inhumane treatment. Well, actually, maybe Sreesanth." http://www.espncricinfo.com/blogs/content/story/826595.html 02-07-2015, 10:18 AM
The World Cup all-star commentary line-up
Andrew Hughes Many qualities distinguish cricket lovers from the rest of humanity. There's our ability to appreciate a game that can last a week and never at any stage look as though it is going to produce a result. There's our propensity to retain endless pieces of useless statistical information such as Chris Old's batting average, the score at lunch of the first day of the Headingley Test in 1981, and Ian Bishop's inside leg measurement. Above all, there's our fascination with compiling fantasy teams. You know the kind of thing: all-time left-handed Sri Lankan XI; combined Anglo-Australian Ashes sides whose surnames began with Z; 1970s hairy New Zealanders. We all do it. The problem with these fantasy selections is that they only ever include cricket players. When we were young, these were the kind of clean-living, enthusiastic, ten-times-round-the-playing-field-before-breakfast characters who were always picked first in PE and were forever collecting trophies from the headmaster. We hated them when we were at school with them, so why celebrate them now? It is only when they stop being players, when their waistlines expand to civilian proportions and when we get to hear them mumble into a microphone, that we should embrace them. For only when a man enters the arena of the commentary booth armed with nothing but a handful of adjectives and a couple of golf anecdotes does he show his true worth. So to celebrate the true heroes of our game, here is the World Cup 2015 Long Handle all-star commentary line-up: Lead commentator Mark Nicholas. Gets the nod over Harsha Bhogle, thanks to his impressive head of hair. A natural salesperson, Nicholas has a smooth turn of phrase, a twinkle in his eye and an interview technique that puts the unctuous into unctuous interview technique. First co-commentator Ravi Shastri. The guitarist to Nicholas' lead singer, Shastri is equally desirous of the limelight and ideally equipped to step in and irritate us while the main commentator is taking a hairspray break. Loud, bombastic, and loud. Second co-commentator Ian Bishop. Delivers his righteous observations from a height of 6ft 5in. Has a patient style, but gives the impression that he resents being forced to share a booth with a bunch of jokers who wouldn't have lasted five minutes with him on the cricket field. Clown Ian Healy. His hilarious bias and physical inability to criticise anything Australian is in the great tradition of the court jester, most of whom ended up being executed - their execution often being more entertaining than their acts. Current player in the booth Kevin Pietersen. The job of the current player in the booth is to sound as though he has wandered in by mistake, to be a foil for the wit of the others, and to provide those special moments of toe-curling awkwardness. If Kevin can also bring to the microphone his world-class lack of perspective and personal retribution agenda, he could turn out to be one of the commentary stars of the World Cup. http://www.espncricinfo.com/blogs/content/story/827179.html 02-09-2015, 05:05 PM
Warner to box kangaroo in opening ceremony
R Rajkumar Akon has reportedly advised the ICC to "lawyer up" after he learned he was excluded from the festivities David Warner will box a kangaroo as part of the World Cup opening ceremony in Melbourne, organisers have revealed. "The Boxing Kangaroo has long been a proud symbol of Australian sporting culture and character, and David Warner is… well, never mind what David Warner is," said World Cup 2015 CEO John Harnden, who went on to explain that the decision to pit Warner against a fully grown 200-pound adult male marsupial was taken after realising the tournament needed "something drastic and out of the box" if it was going to top Katy Perry riding that massive tiger thingy during the recent Superbowl half-time show. "We bandied about a few potential names, but in the end there was only one logical candidate we could think of who would even agree to do such a thing," he added. "As it turns out, we were right." "When organisers first approached us with the idea, we were a little apprehensive that by allowing the fight to happen, we ran the risk of having Warner suffer the abject humiliation of, well, being knocked out by a kangaroo on the eve of the World Cup," admitted Australia coach Darren Lehmann. "But then we quickly realised that by allowing the fight to happen, we ran the risk of having Warner suffer the abject humiliation of, well, being knocked out by a kangaroo on the eve of the World Cup." As Michael Clarke explained, "We figured that if that roo were able to slap some sense into Davey, it just might do him some good in the long run by knocking the fight out of him once and for all. We wouldn't have to live in constant fear of him attacking another player at some point during the tournament. Martin Crowe could rest easy." But Warner, who has hired Andrew Symonds to help him prepare for the bout, has other ideas. "I'm going to eat that fresh-faced bastard for breakfast," he snarled. "I'm going to knock the teeth right out of that pretty face, and I'm going to make sure that Joey never so much as thinks about cricket again without remembering what I'm about to do to him," he said, punching his fists together. "What?" Warner added sharply, upon being informed that it wasn't Root that he would be boxing, but a roo. Other highlights to look forward to during the ceremony are: New Zealand in the house In the interests of equal representation, a cricketer from co-hosts New Zealand (at press time it was still undecided who this might be, though sources indicate Daniel Vettori is emerging as the strong favourite) will take the stage to stroke his facial hair with a frond of silver fern for about, oh, a half-hour or so. AC/DC to perform Yep, you heard it here first, folks. This is the "special event" that organisers have been promising and trying to keep under wraps for as long as was humanly possible. This will mark the first time that the Asian Community Development Corporation will participate in an event of this magnitude. Their time on stage at the ceremony will kick off with a cultural programme, followed by a speech highlighting the various contributions that the Asian-Australian community has made to the nation and a request for donations. Don't forget to stick around for samosas after! Mascot The official mascot of the tournament, Pedro the Non-Straightening Bowling Arm, will lead the players out during the Parade of Nations. (Associate-member nations to march out only after the Full-Member nations, and only if there's still time.) Speech Parade of Nations to be followed by traditional World Cup opening ceremony speech addressed to the gathered crowd and players by Kevin Pietersen, who will talk about Kevin Pietersen in his new role as commentator, and how Kevin Pietersen would obviously love to have been a part of the England World Cup team but is just happy to be there, you know? Artistic part of the show During which thousands of highly trained and well-rehearsed performers will create a massive beer snake and use it to depict various colourful scenes of absolute chaos. Regular camera cutaways from the ceremony to some washed-up Bollywood star waving from the stands with a vaguely constipated look on his face. Ashish Nehra to join Pitbull on stage Organisers are busy trying to negotiate terms with Nehra to do for Pitbull - who will be fulfilling his contractual obligations to perform at any and every ICC event until he dies of bald old age - what "Left Shark" did for Katy Perry during the Superbowl half-time performance. "Ashish is blessed with the same lack of coordination as any fish out of water," explained an organiser cannily. http://www.espncricinfo.com/blogs/content/story/827551.html 02-14-2015, 11:31 PM
How maths has ruined one-day cricket
Andrew Hughes Last time we had a World Cup in Australia, there was a rain problem. You might think rain is the natural enemy of the Test match. After all, a Test match is already in constant danger of grinding to a halt. A Test match is a middle-aged man with whiskers and a top hat who's just eaten a heavy meal and sat down in his favourite armchair to tell you the story of the time he met WG Grace on a paddle steamer going down the Limpopo during the Boer War. The story is gripping, his voice is mesmerising, but every time he gets to an interesting part, his eyelids droop and he begins to snore. But Test match cricket goes perfectly with rain. Watching a Test match is like watching gardening. Sometimes when you're gardening, it rains. So what do you do? You go inside, have a cup of tea and peer at the sky every few minutes until it clears up. Even when a Test match ends on the third afternoon because the pitch is a lake and there are ducks nesting in the umpire's changing room, it's no big deal. Fifty-over cricket, on the other hand, does not like rain. Fifty-over cricket is all about the occasion. It's like a wedding reception. You could postpone it, but who wants to come back the next day to finish a wedding reception? You have to rehire the suits, change the honeymoon flights, put the wedding cake in the fridge, it's a logistical nightmare. So what do you do if it rains at a World Cup game? Well, in 1992, the World Cup organisers said to themselves, "It's nearly the 21st century. Couldn't we employ some space-age mathematics to sort this out?" But what with sending out the invitations and dealing with the caterers and designing the uniforms, they didn't have much time left, so what they came up with was Richie Benaud pressing the Random Number function on his calculator. In the semi-final, South Africa went off for a rain delay needing 22 runs off 13. They had a cup of tea, a slice of cake, checked the weather forecast for the final, but when they returned, it turned out they needed 220 off 1. They didn't get them. This did not go down well, mainly with the mathematical community. They didn't care that this method didn't work or that it made no sense. They were concerned from a professional point of view that it wasn't complicated enough. Maths is supposed to be hard. If ordinary non-maths people can understand it, well it makes them look bad. So now we have the Duckworth Lewis method, which no one really likes, and everyone grumbles about, but because we don't really understand it, we don't want to go back to the mathematicians and complain about these algorithms they sold us, in case we end up looking stupid. Which is just how the mathematicians like it. If you ask me, there's too much maths in cricket already. Maths is all over cricket like a parasitic algae. Look at the scorecard for a football match: you'll see the team names, the half-time scores and a note to explain who got sent off for gouging. But a cricket scorecard looks like a question from a linear algebra exam. There are probably people out there who think cricket is just an old-fashioned form of accounting. I think we should cut back on the maths, and the Duckworth Lewis method should be the first thing to go. But what do we do if it rains? Simple. We toss a coin. Cricketers are good at tossing coins, they do it all the time. More importantly, everyone understands how a coin toss works, since we all use it. Pancakes or scrambled eggs? Cut the grass or shampoo the dog? Divorce or give it another twelve months? The coin-toss is unimpeachable. You can't argue with the coin toss. If you must, make it the best of three. And if you want a bit of reality-television style drama, get a drum roll going when the coin is flung in the air and just as it hits the turf, have Ravi Shastri turn to the camera and say: "Will South Africa be going home, or have they sneaked into the final? Tune in after these messages to find out." http://www.espncricinfo.com/blogs/content/story/831089.html 02-16-2015, 10:35 AM
England go Fifty Shades of Grey
James Marsh "Being bruised by Mitchell Johnson and tied down by Mitchell Starc - that's what we want" In a surprise addition to the already fervent publicity surrounding the film release of Fifty Shades of Grey, the England cricket team today confirmed they had entered into a submissive relationship with their Australian counterparts. After an Ashes whitewash last year and defeat in nine of their previous ten ODIs against their oldest rivals, coach Peter Moores admitted that his side had decided to completely give themselves over to Australian domination "for the foreseeable future". "We'd all heard about this film, of course," Moores said. "But, to be honest, excessive discipline was more Andy Flower's thing than mine. However, as the beatings just kept getting more and more severe and the ECB, with its insistence we play Australia every two weeks, ensuring the players suffer near-constant humiliation, we had a team huddle and decided we'd actually give this submissive thing a go officially. "I know these sorts of things are meant to be monogamous, but - and don't tell Darren Lehmann this - we're actually planning to have a similar relationship with other teams in our group, though allowing Scotland to overpower us might be taking it a bit too far." The move has, not surprisingly, raised a few eyebrows but also led to other players admitting they too engaged in similar activities. Former captain Alastair Cook, for one, revealed he often enjoyed being restrained ("particularly during the bowling Powerplay") and South African batsman AB de Villiers confessing that he had been subjecting bowlers around the world to severe punishment for many years. Psychologists have also diagnosed millions of Channel Nine viewers who willingly listen to Ian Healy and James Brayshaw as having a deeply fatalistic strain of masochism and urged that anyone actually found enjoying having this sort of commentary imposed upon them should "seek immediate help". Not every player is happy about the situation, however, with James Taylor in particular expressing serious concerns. "This Fifty Shades business is all very well," he said. "But if Moores thinks I'm going to leave myself at the mercy of anyone in power, even if the rules are all very clearly defined beforehand, after what happened at the MCG he's got another think coming." The ICC is yet to comment on whether Australia and England's new romance is legal, but insiders suggest that, as the recently introduced Big Three-based administrative structure is founded on the principles of fear and subjugation, chairman Srinivasan is "almost certain" to give it his blessing. "We've all been avidly reading this book," said one Dubai official. "And though it's a little bit racy for those of use whose day job rarely gets more exciting than assessing whether Nigel Llong wore his fleecey umpire's top in accordance with ICC regulations, we have to say all these ideas of total control and compliance really chimed with the way we're looking to run the global game. By agreeing to be weak and passive, England have set a fine example of how we'd like to see other nations act, and especially these Associates who keep kicking and screaming just because we've said we're going to dump them in four years' time." There were already signs that other nations might also be considering entering into similar relationships, with many suggesting that by losing again to India in a World Cup match, Pakistan may also have developed a taste for submission. However, captain Misbah-ul-Haq said it was too early to make such a call: "Building a relationship of any type is like building an innings," he said. "Even if you end up stranded with no partner because you prefer not to rush into it, it's always best to take things slowly at first." http://www.espncricinfo.com/blogs/content/story/832421.html 03-02-2015, 08:42 AM
England's World Cup strategy document
Alan Tyers "The worst part of all this is that Irish players are now refusing to come and join England, because their opportunities back home are so much brighter" Incoming ECB chairman Colin Graves has insisted that a controversial Strategy Conversation Summary document full of bright ideas for English cricket was the result of a blue-sky thinking session where all suggestions were welcome and that none of them are "set in stone". Well then! With England in World Cup crisis, there is no such thing as a bad idea, or at least no such thing as an idea worse than the current ones. So… Investigate the possibility of moving the World Cup to Qatar, where extreme heat and sand could be a big leveller and certainly cause a few problems for feared opponents like Scotland, Ireland, Guatemala. Handicap system for World Cup matches, with "Big Three" teams allowed 100-run head-start in order to ensure the right teams get through big-money TV rounds. Annexing rival countries. Attract younger fans to World Cup cricket by having players dress as pop stars young people like, such as Bill Haley and His Comets, Liberace, Strauss (Johann not Andrew). Get more foreigners into the team. The government has recently released figures saying that there is a net flow of 298,000 people into the country; that's a population the size of Nottingham. Surely at least one or two of them must be able to get the ball off the square in an ODI? ODIs to be spread over four days, like the evergreen county cricket, ensuring that a baying crowd of pensioners and a small dog can roar England on. England ODI innings to be spread over as many as 32 overs, if Mitchell Johnson is bowling. Dangerous teams like Ireland and Netherlands to be forbidden from playing cricket ever again, just in case they do something naughty and beat England. Withhold funding until they agree to do the right thing. OBEs for any ODI captain who scores a run, as an incentive. Having invented ODI cricket, T20 cricket, Test cricket and cricket, consider developing new World Cup Queue-it format, a slow and polite game playing to traditional English strengths of standing patiently, tutting under breath, clicking tongue at anyone who doesn't understand the rules. England's unique blend of slow-and-steady "pyjama cricket" to be rebranded as a cure for insomnia, babies who won't sleep. Possible tie-up with Teletubbies, Bres, Samit. All England ODI cricket matches to take place in the middle of the night in the hope that nobody sees how bad we are. Do whatever India wants. Have Freddie Flintoff boost interest by making one of his reality TV shows about England in the World Cup, where he and the team travel around in a chip van challenging people to boxing matches in order to get out of having to play them at cricket. World Cup to exclude minnows. England, thus freed from need to participate in the World Cup, can spend more time on Test matches, nice lunches and kissing up to BCCI. http://www.espncricinfo.com/blogs/content/story/841691.html 03-03-2015, 11:54 AM
England will not win a World Cup in a year beginning with 2 http://www.espncricinfo.com/blogs/content/story/842133.html 03-27-2015, 08:27 AM
man's original account.
@sreesanth36 · 21h 21 hours ago I wanna win the next World Cup,.God willing I will....I got to keep training hard Nd be patient Nd perform Whn given chance..Iam sure @sreesanth36 · 21h 21 hours ago I will play Nd I can be part of the next world up winning team..
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